i need a laugh.?

Question

i know this doenst fit here but i need a laugh. tell me suttin funny. the funniest gets best answer.

Answer 1

haha okay.. remember the time we were sittin at dunkin donuts and this girl kept staring at us and then she tripped hahahahahhahaaaaa that always cracks me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i better win best answer!!!! lol :)

Answer 2

One day a philosophy professor brings a jar to class to teach his kids a lesson. He fills the jar with golfballs, and asks the class if the jar is full. The whole class replies yes, it is.



He then pours marbles in the jar and it fills the spaces between the golf balls. He then asks again, is the jar full? The class laughs and says yes, it is.



Then he takes some sand, and pours it in the jar. It fills the spaces between the marbles and he asks yet again, is the jar full? After some laughs and nods he pours two beers into the jar.



He looks to the class and says, "Class, this jar is your life. The golfballs are the big things, like your wife, your kids, your friends, your family. They really matter, and even without the smaller things, your life feels full. The marbles are things like your car, your house, your job. They're big, but they don't matter as much as your golfballs, and your life can still be full without them. The sand is the small stuff, the stuff that doesn't really matter.



The lesson here? Keep your golf balls close. They'll make you happy in life"



The students all nod and agree and laugh and one kid in the back of the class raises his hand and asks, "What do the beers represent?"



The teacher replies, "Well, that just goes to show you, that no matter how full your life is, there's always room for a couple of beers!"

Answer 3

Ok well In 8th grade I married the fence around the tennis court



I told a guy he was cute and he laughed so hard that milk came out his nose



the lights went out and I started screaming cuz I thought the world was going to end (6th grade)



I thought the oreo pack said "milk flavored cookie"

but it says milk's favorite cookie

Answer 4

Chris rock quotes: You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Answer 5

I know it doesn't really apply here and now but... if you like stand up and you like Ventriloquism look for Jeff Dunham (Either of his dvd's...they're both great). You can find them in some stores as I just found out... or you can order them from Amazon.com



They're great for a laugh...the problem is for me, my husband and I have watched them so many times we can quote various parts of them and even use them at times in regular conversation for a giggle. lol Sad, I know.



Here's a clip from YouTube:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=47DT41m86N4

Answer 6

Ok...









One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."



The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.



The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."



The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.



Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."



Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Answer 7

I need a laugh too and if you can make me laugh, I'll give YOU the 10 points.

Answer 8

suttin funny

Answer 9

Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!

Answer 10

ok! Think of Johnny Depp in the Choclate Factory!!! He is thee BEST!



Where does corn come from?



-the sky!!!



muahaha i just made that up.........

Answer 11

What do you call a midget psychic who escaped from jail?







wait for it









wait for it









wait for it









A small medium at large.





HAHAHA

Answer 12

Try watching this. Hilarious once you realize what is happening.





http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

Answer 13

What did the cannibal do after he dumbed his girlfriend?





Wiped his butt!!



lol...

Answer 14

lol to the person who said look in the mirror.

it was mean but funny lol.

Answer 15

LOL ha ha ha ha Lol rofl rofl



lol does that help out

Answer 16

look in the mirror

Answer 17

how about annoying things....

Annoying People in an Elevator





Act like a dog, growl at people.

Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.

Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.

Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.

Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”

Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Blow spit balls at the ceiling.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Blow your nose on your sleeve.

Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.

Bring a chair along.

Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).

Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”

Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.

Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.

Clutch your stomach and gasp.

Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.

Collect an elevator tax.

Count down from 100,000 out loud.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!

Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

Eat jello through a straw.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.

Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.

Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.

Have a picnic in the elevator.

Have a seizure.

Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”

Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

Hug yourself.

Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

Hum the theme to Jeopardy

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"

Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.

Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.

Lean against the button panel.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

Leave a box between the doors.

Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Make farm noises.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Make sure the emergency phone is working.

Meow occasionally.

Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.

Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.

Offer hitman services.

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

Open a lemonade stand.

Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.

Pick your nose.

Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.

Play dead.

Play patty--cake with the door.

Play the harmonica.

Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.

Pray to Budda.

Preach about the end of the world.

Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.

Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

Read a book upside down.

Recite poetry in monotone.

Request for people to watch you Riverdance.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”

Scratch yourself.

Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Shadow box.

Shave.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”

Start a sing-along.

Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

Tap dance.

Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.

Tell everyone about your love life.

Tell people you can see their aura.

Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.

Throw a party in the vator!

Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.

Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.

Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.

Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Wear a Santa suit...in June.

Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.

Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers

When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”

When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”

When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.

When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.

When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.

Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

Answer 18

my favorite youtube videos

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_jOFf_KB3lI



http://youtube.com/watch?v=owvO640ODwA&feature=related



http://youtube.com/watch?v=0BGNFdK1twI&feature=related

Answer 19

youre so pretty................in the fog

Answer 20

I collect "Yo momma" jokes, so please....do enjoy:

Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, No Professionals."



Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.



Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."



Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.



Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.



Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.



Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.



Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.



Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.



Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.



Yo momma so ugly they filmed, "Gorillas in the Mist," in her shower.



Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.



Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.



Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say ,"Damn, is it Halloween already?"



Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.



Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.



Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.



Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...for a quote!



Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!



Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!



Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!



Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!



Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.



Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!



Yo momma so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!!



Yo momma so ugly that her face will make a freight train take a dirt road!



Yo momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life.



Yo momma so ugly, she walked into taco bell and they all ran for the border!



Yo momma so ugly people go ask her for Halloween.



Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.



Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.



Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.



Fat:



Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!



Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "



Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!



Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"



Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.



Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!



Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!



Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.



Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!



Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!



Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole *** over!



Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.



Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.



Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!



Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!



Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!



Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!



Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!



Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!



Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."



Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!"



Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.



Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.



Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.



Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.



Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.



Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her...



Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.



Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"



Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!



Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!



Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"



Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"



Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.



Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.



Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!



Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.



Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.



Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.



Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.



Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn."



Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!



Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please."



Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.



Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!



Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!



Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!



Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!



Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!



Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!



Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...



Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.



Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!



Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the *****'s good side!



Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.



Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!



Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!



Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!



Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!



Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!



Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips!



Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo.



Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!



Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!



Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.



Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!



Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!



Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!



Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!



Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.



Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping



Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.



Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.



Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.



Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!



Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.



Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.



Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.



Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.



Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.



Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket.



Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!



Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.



Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.



Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.



Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.



Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.



Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.



Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.



Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"



Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!



Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide.



Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.



Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!



Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.



Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.



Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.



Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons!



Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!



Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!



Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.



Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94."



Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.