s.s.tg Frequently Asked Questions
Introduction
Terminology
Privacy
Origins
Common Issues
TS & TG Issues
TV & CD Issues
MTF Issues
FTM Issues
Other Paths
Friends & Family
Bibliography
Friends and Family Issues
Note: This FAQ is incomplete. I have made it available because it now contains considerably more than the original FAQ, but there is still much work to be done. Please send suggestions, comments, and contributions to Diane Wilson.
11.1 What Support is Available for Spouses and Significant Others?
The Cross Dressing FAQ is a starting point for coming to terms with the underlying issues.
Coping with Cross Dressing provides support for both crossdressers and their families.
Any couple with a transgendered partner, whether crossdresser or transsexual, can find a great deal of support and information in Vanessa Kaye's pages.
E. Fenton talks directly to significant others in Even Genetic Girls Get the Blues.
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays (PFLAG) is a support organization for anyone associated with members of the entire queer community. They have also started TGS-PFLAG, a mailing list for transgender family and friends support.
Spouses Partners International Conference for Education is a conference for couples with a crossdressing partner. No crossdressing is allowed.
The Transsexual Person in Your Life answers a number of questions for family members.
The Renaissance Education Association provides this paper on Partners: Spouses, Lovers & Significant Others.
The wife of a transsexual provides an excellent support page called When You Love The One You're With...
Diane Wilson offers insight and support for Wives and Significant Others of Transsexuals.
11.2 How and When do I Tell My Children?
The Renaissance Education Association provides position papers on telling children for crossdressers and for transsexuals.
Gianna Israel, a nationally known gender counsellor, offers suggestions for talking with your children, as well as an assessment of the impact on children.
The following was contributed on condition of anonymity:
...much history left out... I found Dr. Becky's web page and her references to Grace and Lace and the articles she wrote very helpful in deciding to come to term with my own transition. I found a Therapist and made an appointment. I then talked to my ex, the mother of my children and let her know what was going to happen. She was unhappy with the decision that I made and with the history that she and I have I was concerned that I would loose my children. A few weeks later, when my children were spending the weekend with me my eldest needed to get pads and was embarrassed to have me know that she needed them. I chose this as an opportunity to let her know that I am a transsexual. My ex was very upset that I had told my daughter. She had wanted to wait until it had been decided that this was the path I was taking. About three weeks after I told my eldest daughter she decided that she did not want to spend time with me. My ex wanted me to tell my youngest daughter so that she would know what was going. I sat them both down and explained that I was a transsexual, that it did not mean that it would happen to them and that there was nothing that they did to cause it or that they were in any way responsible for it. I told them that I loved them and that they were VERY important to me. That I was their parent and would always be their parent.
I got hugs and kisses from them however they still did not want to spend time with me. About three weeks later I received the following e-mail from my eldest daughter:
Hey Dad! What's up? How are you? I got your message that you sent earlier. Thanks for writing to me. Even though it took awhile I am still writing back to you. I wanted to go and see you this weekend, but D isn't quite ready to spend the night yet, and mom and M have to go to Tampa Saturday and I have to watch her. So I thought that I would steay here Saturday and watch her, and then Sunday if you are willing to, you could come down and we (including D if she wants) could spend the day together. I have been thinking alot lately, and if becoming a woman is what you really want, then I want you to be happy, and I am behind you 100%. So no matter what you do, I will always love, and I still want to see you. O.K.? So what do you think. I figure if you come Sunday then we can talk and maybe go to the park or do something together, we are still a family. And even though this thing is not going to be easy we can get through it. And if we work together it won't be so bad. So what do you think? And if you are willing then we can go to the meeting together tomorrow, if you'll pick me up after school. Since it is P.T. it won't take me as long to get ready, so you can pick me up at 4:30 instead of 5:00. I'll call you on that one. Please write me back. I love you!
Love,
Your daughter always,
J
I can't begin to express how good I felt about this e-mail! I saw them that Sunday however they still have not spent the weekend with me in 6 weeks. It seems that there are things that keep comming up which they would rather do than spend the time with me. At least we are still talking and I have hope that soon I will be able to spend more than a few hours with them.
I let my ex know that the letter recommending me for HRT has been written and that I expect that this Tuesday I will be on HRT and asked her if she could find it within her heart to remain friends with me, she says that she is doing the best that she can. This is where things stand now.
A.N. offers these words of advice:
(1) Tell them as soon as possible, and as much as you know.
(2) What you don't know, tell them you don't know but that you'll keep them posted as you proceed.
(3) Encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings, and keep encouraging them to do so periodically.
(4) If there is going to be trouble, the sooner you start it the sooner you will get it over with. (Sage words from my grandfather).
(5) Put yourself in their shoes, and imagine how you would feel if your parent was changing and refused, declined or neglected to tell you what was going on.
(6) If you are honest with them, you can't worry too much about how they feel. They are people just like you, and have to put up with their parents and circumstances just like you have had to do. For better or worse, we take our parents as they come. As a matter of practicality, you stand a better chance of acceptance if you are honest and caring and let them see that you, too, are a human being struggling to find yourself and your niche in the world; if they just refuse to even consider your needs then they are being unreasonable. We do our best to help our kids within our limits but have neither the obligation nor the ability to make their lives perfect.
(7) Be proud of yourself. My father used to hammer me about being transgendered, and would work on me by yelling that I was establishing a terrible example for my two sons. Then someone wise asked me what lessons I really wanted to impart to my children. After thinking for a minute, I answered, "To be honest, and to be themselves; to stand up for what is right even if it means going against the grain; and to seek to fulfill their potential and be happy." My friend replied, "And why do you think that is not precisely the example you are setting?"
(8) Remember that your children are inclined to love you, so you have a head start on this project.
(9) This is the one Absolute Rule without which all others are rendered invalid: LAUGH, and laugh a lot. Few things expose the utter zaniness of the rules of our culture more beautifully than a transgendered life. Where in the heck did we get all these nutty ideas about how we are supposed to behave, when it is obvious that in fact very few of them actually fit very many of us? What better and more joyous way is there to contemplate what it is that makes us who and what we are, and what we can aspire to be?
For more professional advice, there is an excellent excerpt about coming out to kids from a book called "Gay Fathers", on Richard Jasper's very helpful web site. I believe almost all of this is applicable to transgendered parents. Though I strongly recommend reading the whole excerpt, here are their suggestions in summary form, modified to fit this discussion: (a) Come to terms with your own transgendered nature before disclosing to children; (b) children are never too young to be told; (c) discuss it with children before they know or suspect; (d) disclosure should be planned; (e) disclose in a quiet setting where interruptions are unlikely to occur; (f) inform, don't confess; (g) inform the children that relationships with them will not change as a result of disclosure; and (h) be prepared for questions.
Good luck!!!
11.3 How and When do I Tell My Parents, Family and Friends?
11.4 What About Transgendered Young People?
For Transgendered Youth
Jenny Lynn offers a mailing list for transgendered youth, and also Anti Jen's web page. One of the people on her mailing list offers the following:
Let's see, I'm a little in-between the generations, but I still remember a major question that I asked myself for years.. and that I was asked..
IS THIS JUST A PHASE...?
Sometimes as a young person, so much is changing mentally and physically, that denial takes a major part in life..There are so many questions that are unanswered and trying to ask these questions is even more difficult..
Talk to someone..a therapist, a counselor, a parent, anyone..if you aren't sure of yourself (which many people aren't at these ages) the best you can do is seek help.. Sometimes gender identity disorder is part of a larger problem, and other times, it is the problem..Confusion is the only certainty..seeking a professional is the best help..
Besides the issue of denial, thinking that, "hey, it can't be me", the issue of depression and withdrawel begins to take presidence.. These problems are commonly overlooked by parents, teachers, and peers..They are real problems though, depression often leads to suicide if not dealt with...
I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO DO ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE...
Most young people don't have the finances they need to pursue their own happiness...Building a solid credit history, job background, savings account, etc..normally take several years...However, several programs cover therapy visits and medication for young people under their parent's insurance policies...Talking to one's parent's about these types of problems is difficult, but most parents equate this confusion to adolescence, and many are willing to help their children during this time....They may not approve, or like actions the child pursues, but during this time, the young person has much more influence over the parent's than he/she may think.... If one must try to proceed with gender issues during the younger years, he/she should become an "over-achiever" to say the least... Working while attending school, achieving good marks in classes, etc.. this will help in the building of his/her future, and lessen other problems that may arise.. Another advantage of being active as a teenager, is this sometimes cures-lessons, depression..
MY PARENTS THREATENED TO KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE...
This is a difficult subject for parents to deal with..the individual must take extra care at this age in approaching parents about their issues...I have learned from experience, that it sometimes helps to slowly integrate features of the gender you desire..and to discuss these issues if possible in a sane, safe manner..If you are "kicked out" of the household, perhaps waiting is the right thing to do at the time.. Sometimes it is better to let the issues remain "on the back burner" than to risk a shaky future.. These are the years that a person decides not only who they want to be, but what they want to do in the future.. Sometimes these two subjects contradict at the present point, but can be joined at a later date..
For Parents
For parents, the first thing I want to say to you is that I understand that you do not want your child to suffer through the experience of being different, especially with something that can be as hard to understand as this. But there is a balancing concern, too; when a child learns that he or she must suppress these feelings and hide them from others, it can lead to decades of suffering and isolation, to broken relationships, and sometimes even to suicide. This is one of those times when it is important to talk about things, and to keep the lines of communication open.
Gianna Israel offers some useful suggestions on coping with transgendered children. She also offers a look at the consequences of suppressing gender identity issues.
Sheila Mengert writes an open letter to the parents of transsexual children.
And by all means, get on the TGS-PFLAG mailing list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: Use this at your own risk. Things change daily on the Net and net-related information in this FAQ may not necessarily be correct. The only part of this document that can be considered perpetually accurate is the charter quoted in the first section of the Introduction.
Copyright © 1994-1997 by Amy A. Lewis, Kymberleigh Richards, and Diane Wilson. This page may be redistributed only after notifying the authors and entirely without changes other than what may be required for formatting into another medium.
Last updated June 3, 2001.
The soc.support.transgendered FAQ was originally written by Amy A. Lewis
, and was updated in late 1995 and early 1996 by Kymberleigh Richards . It is currently maintained by Diane Wilson ; updates and additions should be sent to Diane Wilson. The FAQ Introduction is also available via the Cross Connection archive server.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright © 2001 by Diane Wilson. All rights reserved.