Question:
Does this seem like a good story so far?
Nathaniel Hoobler
2012-11-18 16:02:00 UTC
I'm starting to right a story. This is a very condensed rough draft of the beginning of it.

September 24, 2013 - 11:07 PM - North Carolina
Evil thoughts filled his head as TJ Thomas, junior, sat in his high school cafeteria staring at the clock, anxiously waiting...
He pulls out a gun and shoots and kills a girl, then gives a crumpled up piece of paper to another girl, Holly Hatchet. He runs outside and gets run over by a car and dies in front of the school.

11:15 - Holly’s best friend, Sally Speltz, reads the note out loud that TJ gave to Holly:

"You’ve read the first word of this note. Now it is too late to escape your immanent death, unless you carry out the following tasks:

1. Intentionally and directly give this note to another human being whom you do not know the first name and/or surname of, and who has never touched the note before.
2. Intentionally and directly kill another human being whom you do know the first name and surname of.

Failure to complete both tasks within 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds after reading the first word on this note will result in immediate death.
Success will result in immortality."

She doesn’t believe it is real. Holly believes it could be. She reads it an hour later when she and Sally are in her bedroom. They are home alone. They hear about the shooting at their school while watching the news, and Holly and Sally have a discussion about it and the note. Holly suggest that TJ died because he didn’t follow the rules of the note (he gave it to her and she is his ex girlfriend, so he knows her full name; and he killed someone who he does not know the name of.) Also on the news, they hear about a ship that is leaving that night and is bigger in size than the Titanic, called Titanic: Successful (TS). It is planned to follow and complete the same voyage that the Titanic went on. Also, a weather forecast: minor Hurricane Lucifer in the Atlantic Ocean, far off the coast of North Carolina. TS: - still scheduled to take off.

5:21 - Holly kills Sally in her bedroom (Holly‘s bedroom). She tries to rip the note, but something inside her - a feeling that it deserves to exist - stops her. Her mom (only parent) arrives at home. Holly leaves to go to the public library, with the note in her pocket, and a book in her hand. She lies to her mom, “I’ll return for dinner.”

6:06 - Jeremy Sayre sits in the comic book section of the library, reading. The library is empty. He is a 17 year old who is home schooled. Holly enters the library and gives the note to him, then leaves. He reads it, doesn’t believe it is real, but keeps it in his pocket anyways and leaves the library.

7:15 - Holly sneaks onto the TS with an alias: Hazel Hoffer. About 3000 passengers are aboard. While on it she sees Jeremy, who is with his father and little sister. He gives the note to someone random, and kills his own father. Holly introduces herself to him as Hazel Hoffer. They begin to have a discussion about the note, when they are interrupted by a loud thud and a shake of the ship. The ship has hit an iceberg. It begins to sink and Holly and Jeremy jump off of the ship in the ice cold ocean water.
Seven answers:
shortstella
2012-11-18 16:34:34 UTC
Hey, I've done a bunch of editing.



I'm starting to **Write** a story. This is a very condensed rough draft of the beginning of it. 



September 24, 2013 - 11:07 PM - North Carolina

Evil thoughts filled his head as junior, TJ Thomas, sat in his high school cafeteria anxiously staring at the clock.

He pulls out a gun, fired, and kills a girl. Upon doing so, he handing a crumpled up piece of paper to another girl, Holly Hatchet. He then, ran outside, got hit by a car, and died.



11:15 – Sally Speltz, Holly’s best friend, reads the note TJ gave to Holly. She reads outloud:



"You’ve read the first word of this note. Now it is too late to escape your immanent death, unless you carry out the following tasks:



1. Intentionally and directly give this note to another human being whom you do not know the first name and/or surname of, and who has never touched the note before. 

2. Intentionally and directly kill another human being whom you do know the first name and surname of. 



Failure to complete both tasks within 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds after reading the first word on this note will result in immediate death.

Success will result in immortality." 



Sally, doesn’t believe it is real. Holly believes it could be. Holly reads it an hour later when she and Sally are in her bedroom. They are home alone. They hear about the shooting at their school while watching the news. Holly and Sally have a discussion about the shooting, and the note. Holly suggest that TJ died because he didn’t follow the rules of the note (he gave it to her and she is his ex girlfriend, so he knows her full name; and he killed someone who he does not know the name of.) Also on the news, they hear about a ship that is leaving that night and is bigger in size than the Titanic, called Titanic: Successful (TS). It is planned to follow and complete the same voyage that the Titanic went on. Also, a weather forecast: minor Hurricane Lucifer in the Atlantic Ocean, far off the coast of North Carolina. TS: - still scheduled to take off. 



5:21 - Holly kills Sally in her own bedroom. She tries to rip the note, but something inside her - a feeling that it deserves to exist - stops her. After Holly's mom arrives home, Holly tells her, “I'll be home for dinner.” She leaves to go to the public library.



6:06 - Jeremy Sayre, a home schooled 17 year old, sits in the empty comic book section of the library, reading. Holly enters the library hands Jeremy the note, then leaves. Jeremy reads it, doesn’t believe it is real, puts it in his pocket, then leaves.



7:15 - Holly sneaks onto the TS with an alias, Hazel Hoffer. About 3000 passengers are aboard. While on it she sees Jeremy, who is with his father and little sister. Jeremy gives the note to a random person then kills his father. Holly introduces herself to him as Hazel Hoffer. They begin to have a discussion about the note, when they are interrupted by a loud thud and a shake of the ship. The ship has hit an iceberg and begins to sink. Holly and Jeremy jump off of the ship in the ice cold ocean.







I think this is a good start. Try adding some dialogue, imagry, and the thoughts of the person. I wish I could read the rest.
anonymous
2016-08-04 14:14:01 UTC
Whether or not Jesus was once a real person, based on an actual character, a fictional man or woman wished into existence, a combo of quite a lot of radical figures, the writings of the gospels exist, though. I take from that that there used to be a "Jesus movement." The gospels are both self-proving, in part or in entire, that is, they furnish spiritual perception, or they don't. They seem to have for hundreds of thousands of folks. The challenge is that so much of what "Jesus" stated was once no longer new (and is elaborate to dispute). However what Jesus stated that was new is utterly compelling. If you wish to get caught up within the stuff that makes Christianity disturbing and exclusivist, go forward, but you are with ease making the same mistake because the fundamentalists do. You can do that with any ideology; the partisans and the attackers do it always. That does not make it right, though.
movie addict
2012-11-18 16:15:10 UTC
its great! do you have this on the web? i'd love to read more. and also it reminds me of a killer i came up with. Donovan Anderson. a sophomore in high school that goes insane and kills those who mistreated him.



anyway good luck on it. wish i could read more.
Jared
2012-11-18 16:09:43 UTC
Ya but please I would enjoy a more detailed on the shooting.
Katheryn
2012-11-18 16:06:58 UTC
Woah. That's sooo creepy but it makes me wanna read it more! Agh! That's like one of the most original murder type books I've ever read! <3 Are you going to post it to a website or something??!?!! If so I wanna read the whole thing when it's done! (; It seems AMAZINGGGG! Mannn if I were you I wouldn't even like need anyone to tell me it was good because I'd be super full of myself if I could write like you!((:
remoserjr107
2012-11-18 16:04:09 UTC
Yes. a great start....!!
anonymous
2012-11-18 16:03:05 UTC
yea i like your story


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