Im just wondering how hard it is??

Question

give up you baby at birth?? Im just wondering.

Answer 1

Very few mothers willingly "give up" their babies at birth -- it is usually they have come to the conclusion during pregnancy that they cannot keep their babies and that adoption is the only viable options. Sometimes other people put pressure on them to surrender their babies, and this is called "coercion" as the sole intent is to ensure that they will surrender their babies.



Historian Rickie Solinger stated: "Almost everyone believes that on some level, [mothers] made a choice to give their babies away. Here, I argue that adoption is rarely about mothers' choices; it is, instead, about the abject choicelessness of some resourceless women."



In a study by DeSimone (1994), only 23.7% of mothers stated that it was "considerably" or "completely" what they had wanted (p. 79). Ninety-eight percent (98%) of respondents to a Trackers International (Trackers International, 2000) survey said they did not want to surrender their babies. In an online survey conducted by OriginsUSA, 84% of mothers felt they had "no way out of their situation" other than surrender (Wright, 2007, p .31). So this is pretty indicative of coercion being widely used. Plus, if a mother is not given time to recover from birth before deciding, then she cannot make an informed decision and that also is coercive as she's not allowed time to experience motherhood first to know what she''ll be losing -- at-birth adoptions were a practice started in the 1950s to "keep an unwed mother from bonding with her baby".



As for the trauma that a mother faces when she surrenders a baby: often mothers are in a state of "dissociation" or "shock" as the process happens. Grief then hits and then it can subside as a type of "numbness" sets in -- but then given days, months or years the grief can return along with PTSD.

Answer 2

Honestly, I really think it varies. There are some girls who are convinced, or coerced by others, that adoption is the best thing and they go along, never wanting to. I don't think they can ever totally heal.



Others really feel that they are not in a place in their lives where they can provide all that a baby, toddler and child needs. They understand it will be hard, but do it out of love for their baby.



I also really feel that open adoptions make a HUGE difference, as does total openness and honesty. I have two adopted boys, my eldest is six and he is very proud of being adopted. He understands why his natural Mom made the choice she did. We had an open adoption, however, she chose not to remain in contact. However, she knows that the option is there for her, when we moved I emailed her our new info.



The natural Mom of my youngest son and I are very close. Her and I email often, she calls when she wants to, asks for pictures and includes both my boys in her life, not only her natural son. She is wonderful, I can't say enough good things about her. She is planning to come visit within the next month or so.



I personally believe that a lot of the pain that came from adoption was not only from the adoption itself, but from the secrets. To not be honest with someone about their own life should be a sin. To find out later, accidently that you were adopted, is essentially finding out that your life has been a lie. Or to know you are adopted but that nobody wants to discuss it makes it akin to a dirty little secret. How do you trust again after that? Even yourself?



So, to make a long answer longer.... I believe that it is a very hard thing to do, but it can be made a lot easier if done with respect, openness, honesty and integrity on both sides.



I hope this was helpful. If you have any other questions please feel free to contact me at [e-mail]

Answer 3

Um, you're going to Cancun for a good time right? Do the math. It's going to be very hard. !! I hope your girlfriend has the intelligence to know you may return a changed man. Be absolutely HONEST with her on your return. You may lose her if you did get to play around but it's way better than any other option.

Answer 4

The link that Possum gave you leads to a pamphlet written by people who relinquished their children at birth. It explains what it was like for them. It's very informative.



I have known many people who have relinquished. Most talk about how very, very hard it was to do, and many say that if they would do if differently if they could go back. Let's face it. This is giving your own flesh and blood child away. I can't imagine the pain. Although I am infertile, I honestly feel -- for me -- that the pain of not being able to bear children could not be as bad as the pain of bearing a child and not being able to keep him or her.

Answer 5

Well i didnt give my son up at birth. It was two weeks after. I could never have done it at birth. He was so sweet....He kept staring at me.

NO i could NOT have done it at birth.

It would be impossible.

Answer 6

My mother gave me away 40+ years ago. She had no choice. She says it 'broke her heart', and she NEVER got over it.



We have been reunited for more than 20 years, but we can never recapture that time. It's lost forever. What's even worse, for both of us, is that I was raised by people who really wanted their OWN children, and settled for adoption thinking it was the SAME as having your own children--it isn't for either party.



Here's the story of a woman who tried to give her baby away:



http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/24/my-days-without-poowee/

Answer 7

Tough, tough question.



I have never been able to really understand how my bparents could simply give me away as soon as the cord was cut. Now, having given birth to two children of my own, I understand it even less.

Answer 8

Here's a booklet put together by many mothers that lost children to adoption -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf



I'm an adoptee - and my first mother never 'got over it'.

In fact - today - she suffers from PTSD and depression.

She was told it would all be fine - and that she could just 'move on with her life'.

No one ever gets over losing a child.



ETA: Dearest doom-and-gloom poster down below - if you had ANY intelligent cell in your body - you would know that many relinquishing mothers suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) POST adoption - especially when they are told by dim-wits as yourself - to go on and get on with life - and forget they ever carried a child for 9 months - and gave birth.

But no - you wouldn't really care about that - because you're probably only here because you're looking for another child to adopt to fill your own desires.

And you don't really care who you push or bully to get exactly what you want.

Show some compassion - for crying out loud.

It's not all about you.

You really have alot of anger issues about your own first mother - don't you???

You should seek help for that.

Answer 9

It is never ending grief and misery. You never know if your baby is alive or dead, happy or sad. Even if you reconnect later in life, all those years are gone FOREVER.



Don't listen to anyone who says you can "get over it," your baby will have a better life without you. You have no way to know if that "better life" will actually happen and you will NEVER get over it.



Would a mother "get over" the death of her baby? Same thing with adoption....

Answer 10

hi i didnt give my little boy up at birth, but i think it would have killed me. i think it takes a VERY strong person who knows 100% that that is what they want to do. but i think even thn it must be hard, like having a part of you ripped away. but saying that, i could never even begin to imagine, because i have not been through it

Answer 11

Hi Megan, as someone who would love to have an child..i think it would be very hard to give up a child but i also can see how much you could change someone's life for the better. I know that having someon e give up there baby so that someone like me can have a family is an amazing and courageous think. If you don't feel that you can give this baby what it needs then i feel that you would be doing the right thing by this child to give it to someone who can better take care of it. This is a beautiful, wonderful gift to someone who cannot have children. But you need to make sure that this is something you can do. If you need to talk you can email me at [e-mail] . I will not judge you, i will do everything i can to help you.

Answer 12

I hope that people who have given up their babies will answer and people who haven't won't. It's pretty ridiculous the way people seem to be constantly talking about things they don't understand here.



Before I decided, it was really hard. I knew that there was no way that I was going to be a great Mom. And I was pretty sure that a good person would make sure the baby had a good home. But being the person to make that decision and have everyone I knew know about it was like a huge weight that I didn't know how to manage.



I was really lucky because I went to a maternity home and they had a lot of girls and women who had given up babies working there and living there. One day it all just sort of clicked and I knew it was right. From that point it was all easy except for the very end. Saying goodbye was hard, you feel so overwhelmed but the parents were there and I knew that everything was going to be fine.

Answer 13

Who cares. Babies need good homes.