2009-04-09 13:01:41 UTC
This circus had a cute feature, trained squirrels that did acrobatic tricks. These were no ordinary trained squirrels, by the way; these squirrels had been specially bred to enhance their cleverness, body muscles, and bone strength, and are pound-for-pound worth about 100 squirrels each. They received rigorous training to build up their bodies and fine-tune their reflexes and acrobatic ability; this was all done for the purpose of having super circus squirrels, but it also made these squirrels into veritable ninjas of destruction!
When the circus left town, about a dozen squirrels were left behind when one of the circus box cars was towed for being illegally parked in front of the senior bingo hall. Rather than pay the hefty fine, the circus left without the boxcar, along with the squirrels in it. Not knowing what to do with the squirrels, the city set them free, and it has been a nightmare ever since, every easter.
See, these squirrels are mesmerized by easter eggs, and stage strategic attacks to get them. The first year was awful: at the city-sponsored easter egg hunt at the public park, everyone was having fun, kids were running around looking for eggs, and everyone was enjoying the day, but then it happened; with a fierce chattering, squirrels burst out of the bushes and charged. The adults tried to fend them off, but they were no match for these master acrobat fighting squirrels. It was a horrible scene, with chestnut coloured bushy tails smacking people senseless, squirrels running with cheek pouches bulging with nuts which they spit with terrible force(always aiming for the eyes), and ladies screaming in terror as their beehive hair-dos became thrashing nests of clawing squirrels. The horror was unimaginable.
With every passing easter, the squirrels have become only fiercer, and more ingenious in their attacks. Many an easter morning have children awakened to see their baskets being hauled off by squirrels that have chewed through the security bars on their bedroom windows, and smashed out the glass with their brillo-pad-furred tails. The police are helpless as the squirrels, with masterful dexterity, catch any bullets fired at them in their cheek pouches and spit them back. Gas attacks do no good, since these squirrels were circus trained to hold their breaths for as long as 40 minutes, and their thick eyelashes act as super fans, fluttering away any airborne attack that comes their way. In fact, the police seem to always have some *emergency* to attend to over easter weekend, and calls for help go unanswered.
These days, the entire city tenses up when easter approaches, and everyone suddenly becomes Jewish, just to try to fool the squirrels into thinking they won't find easter eggs at their homes. As you can see, these squirrels have turned easter into a time of fear, and no one with any sense is seen leaving the supermarket parking lot with eggs and dye these days.
What can we do?